Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
