he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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