Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
