How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
