At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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