apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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