Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
