All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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