How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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