he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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