May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
