Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
