Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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