You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
