One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize