I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
