I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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