The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
