Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
