Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
