Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
