he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
