apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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