i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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