Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
