If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
