Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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