I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
