just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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