Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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