Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
