Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
