Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
