I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
