**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
