I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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