I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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