Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
