i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
