he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
