I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
