Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
