By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
