remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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