Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
