i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sext me about skeletons
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
