GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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