you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
honey bunches of taint.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
