oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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