I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
