my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
