On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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