I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
