Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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